Song of the Day : Blue Oyster Cult – Burnin’ For You
As unbelievable as it may be, it seems as though even the Devil himself can be outdone when Ozzy is involved. As earnestly as he may try to claim responsibility for this mishap, we have to give credit where credit is due, as Ozzy Osbourne, besting Lucifer at his own job, burned himself bedridden before The Man in Red could toast The Prince of Darkness.
Beauty is pain.
No man knows this better than the dapper Ozzy Osbourne. Between juggling show business, a music carer, and his family, how does one man find time to kick back, relax, and smell the sweet scent of burning flesh? Well, if you’re Ozzy, it’s pretty easy.
A few months back, Ozzy succumbed to the pressure of our ever-browning culture and ventured into a tanning salon. What the rocker did next is nothing short of half-baked brilliance.
“I once went to a tanning salon, turned the machine straight up to 10 and passed out on the bed. I woke up a few hours later looking like I’d been hit by an atomic bomb! I was furious with myself for months because I could hardly walk – never mind smile, bend over or do anything that involved creasing even the tiniest part of my skin. I might as well have paid someone to throw me in a bath of acid.”
Ozzy, keep your mishaps a secret! If you had told us it was an intentional sacrifice in order to initiate some sort of fashion apocalypse, we would have believed every word of it. Hell, we may have even stayed tuned to the boob-tube awaiting the next season of The Osbournes. Instead we’re left with a leathery ex-metal-head who whines about his boo-boos.
Fortunately, the man knows how to retain rhetoric irony. After all the drugs, parties, and drugs he has done, he concludes that tanning is the most harmful thing he has ever done.
“It ages you by decades, too. A few doses of the hard stuff and you’ll end up with a face like an antique football. I recommend avoiding anything with UV rays and settling for the pale and interesting look.”
Come on, Ozzy- Beatniks are pale and interesting. We always thought of you more along the lines of dark and fascinating, like a raven caught in a washing machine.